“Many First Times”: First-Gen’s First Time Abroad

The title might be a little misleading–I visited China when I was 4, but one of my only memories of it was that I was crying on the plane since the domestic flight did not have a TV (probably for me to watch Mickey Mouse). Still, going abroad to Estonia is my first time out of the country since then, and on a plane. 

Choosing to Study Abroad

I am a first-generation, low-income Honors College student at Stony Brook University. Traveling anywhere did not seem a reality, as my dad is the only person working in my family and cannot take the time off to travel much for the sake of my education. On my way to university in my dad’s car, I pass the slowly magnifying planes heading to JFK. One day, my dad noticed my fascination and remarked, “They look like birds, don’t they?” I kept staring at the descending planes with awe, with the urge to simply go to new heights–to go abroad. 

I have a list with over 20 people that I asked about, or at least mentioned, studying abroad. They all positively described the value of studying abroad, an all-in-one deal. Though if I were to pursue studying abroad, I would have just finished my first year of college at the age of 18. I did not think much of this at first, but going outside of my comfort zone at a young age is a significant stepping stone for future development. With my first taste of independence from university, I was motivated to explore more. 

At 3 in the morning one night in October during my first semester, I curiously searched for study abroad opportunities. I stumbled upon CIEE’s Summer Global Internship program in Estonia, which seemed to match my interests and needs to a tee. CIEE visited my high school every year to talk about their study abroad opportunities, so I was already familiar with them, but didn’t want to commit to spending time abroad without my family, and financially. 

I began to keep researching about study abroad, with CIEE’s program in Estonia in mind. Gaining experience through a summer internship was my main priority, so that I could scaffold to achieve new opportunities. However, the idea of going to Estonia felt surreal to me, as I coincidentally chose Estonia for a project in high school for Russian in Business. I briefly familiarized myself with Estonia in this project, but was curious to know more and understand the nation with my own eyes, for discoveries beyond the classroom. 

The more I searched, the more I became committed to studying in Estonia. I started my application and was asked if I am a Pell Grant recipient and a Gilman applicant. I did not know much about the Gilman Scholarship, but I briefly googled it and clicked “yes” on my application for any opportunity to offset the costs of study abroad with scholarships. With the Gilman Scholarship, approximately 50% of recipients are first-generation, which gave me hope. 

In November, I went to expedite my passport application on Black Friday, but unfortunately, it was not any cheaper. I received my passport in December and finally pressed submit on my CIEE application in early January. I was accepted shortly after, and finally told my parents about the full gravity of the decision I would be making to go to Europe on my own for the summer. They thought I was insane, but eventually paid the payment confirmation fee. I began the introductory process to secure an internship at Tallinn University and received further information about my bill. I was hesitant to pay the full bill, and became determined to successfully apply for the Gilman Scholarship to receive the Gilman Go Grant from CIEE as well as other CIEE scholarships. 

I worked on my essays in increments leading up to my application submission on the very last day in early March. In April, I received my study abroad bill, and was hesitant to pay it, but eventually did with the hope of making the most out of my trip amidst the costs. Later in the month, I received an email about my Gilman application and almost screamed in a quiet library reading room when I opened my application portal to see my award.

I celebrated the fact that I was going to Estonia with the additional support of Gilman for my first time abroad, but I was not mentally prepared for it. I consulted my dorm suitemates, who supported me through the entire application process. After many tears of excitement and apprehension, my suitemates reassured me in making the most out of my money and time in my new home, with occasional remarks about making it back in one piece, so we can further explore our university and for me to share my stories from Estonia. I took my last in-person final, and only a few days later, I was already off to JFK airport. 

Homesickness

On my 16-hour journey to Tallinn, I lost count of how many times I thought “I want to go home”. I was already scared off by the long security lines in JFK, so I did not want to sit in an airport or a plane for any longer. 

After arriving in Estonia, during my first week, I was frequently asked, “How is Estonia so far?”, and my response typically included “many first times”. 

Some of the many first times:

• First time on a plane since I was 4 (and alone)
• First time brushing my teeth in an airport (at 5 in the morning)
• First time in Europe (and out of the country in a while)
• First time with an actual internship
• And, of course, first time being a couple thousand miles away from home.

In Tallinn, my homesickness did not get any better–I felt homesick every day, missing my simpler life in the States. I often contemplated “How did I get here?” and wondered if I made the right decision. With only one year of college under my belt, I would be the youngest CIEE Tallinn college student thus far. During ice breakers, my peers were shocked to hear 18 and first-year amongst the 21s and rising seniors. They all had spent much time abroad and shared similar interests that differed from mine. I felt that I was on my own, as I am quieter, younger, and could not connect as much to my peers. Additionally, my host mom could only speak Russian, with the son as the only English speaker, but he is never home. It would be difficult to properly confide in her given the language barrier. 

At the start of Week 3, on a rainy day, June 3, the true bottom of cultural shock as part of studying abroad hit. After my internship, I wandered around in Old Town and found myself sitting in Kanuti Garden, staring into space, with the “Boys with umbrella” fountain staring back at me. I couldn’t call my family and friends in the U.S., as they were likely asleep or working. I sat and walked around in the rain, collected in my thoughts, hoping this was just a temporary phase from my grumpiness from the rain.

Support

The day after was in fact better—I was more cheerful and caffeinated. I’m introspective and rather keep to myself, where I frequently stare into space at a wall to recover. I often space out while walking and gravitate towards stores with Asian snacks and Russian books. I love Estonia, but I still miss my life in New York. Even in university, I was frequently homesick, even though my university is quite a commute away from home. 

With this, the CIEE Tallinn staff were especially supportive. I told the program manager, Mari, about my homesickness, and she responded with care. It turned out that we share a similar love for Asian food and snacks, where we even visited Han’s Restoran for the best Chinese food in Tallinn! While my inner Asian kept telling me to eat more rice, it remains a fond memory. The center director, Evelyn, provided support behind the scenes with my ventures. With CIEE Tallinn’s support, I also worked with high school study abroad students to provide assistance in their time abroad and the college application process. It was pleasant to see how similar I was to the high school students and to mentor them with the next steps ahead. 

I didn’t quite mention my homesickness in my internship, but instead remarked about my first time in Europe, let alone my first time abroad. My internship supervisor, Kristjan Kask, prioritized that I enjoy the summer in Estonia, with the long daytime hours (when it was finally not raining). Kristjan frequently gave me recommendations on places to visit during my free time. During our weekly meetings, we would explore a new place that I would likely not have considered venturing to. I was thoroughly comfortable talking to Kristjan, where we shared our stories and other shenanigans while joking about our height difference (I am 5’1” and Kristjan is 6’3”). 

Beyond Tallinn, I wished to explore the other areas of Estonia and beyond, but I hesitated to venture alone. In university, I dragged my extroverted friend around to events so that she could do the socializing and let me remain an introvert. In Estonia, I connected with another program participant with similar interests, yet extroverted and energetic, where we were able to share the experiences and explore new parts of Estonia and beyond! 

Moreover, I’ve kept in touch with my Russian professor, Anna Geisherik, and frequently sent her pictures of my adventures in Tallinn. During one of these conversations, I mentioned that I was running out of places to go in Tallinn, and she suggested that I visit Tartu, and if I do, she can try to connect me with her Russian department colleagues at the University of Tartu for an introductory tour. When I eventually visited Tartu, the Russian professors warmly greeted me and introduced me to the sights of Tartu, in Russian. Now, I have their contact information for whenever I’m in the area again, and if I have any questions. 

My connections, old and new, genuinely care for me and want me to enjoy my time in Estonia, especially as I am so young. It is clear that they love their home of Estonia, which has helped me to love Estonia as my own home as well. I certainly want to revisit Estonia, to keep in touch with my new friends, and catch up with our journeys. They have become part of my support system, and I am grateful for them. 

Program Excursions/Activities

With CIEE, there are excursions that would be difficult to achieve on my own. Ranging from the countryside of Estonia to an island, there is much to explore with other people on the program. When I saw the trips during the online pre-orientation, I was hurriedly telling my friends about the amazing things I would do this summer. Of course, I went to an Estonian spa and the sold-out Song Festival (Laulupidu), but here are some of my favorites: 

• Rummu Quarry: I was the most excited for this, as pictures online of the quarry look beautiful. During my visit, I received a tour of the abandoned Soviet-era prison museum, Murru Prison. However, as time passes, the prison's future may be uncertain. Beyond the prison is the quarry with a grand mountain that you can climb for a spectacular view at the top!
• Aegna Island: In the north of Tallinn, not quite to Finland just yet, Aegna Island is just a ferry ride away. We learned about the history and preservation of the island. There are even tiny strawberries to pick as you walk! At the end, we had Estonian sausage, salad, dark bread, rhubarb muffins, and juice.
• Pärnu: The summer capital of Estonia, with a beautiful beach to enjoy, especially with the perfect summer weather. I liked Old Town the most and was fascinated by the surrounding architecture. We went skimboarding in the Baltic Sea, but I went to search for seashells and other treasures in the sea (there weren’t any messages or treasure maps in a bottle, though). 

Running Around the City

Still, to make the most out of my time in Estonia, I often went exploring and ran around the different cities. I set goals for myself each day to venture to at least one new place to expand my horizon. Afterwards, I would wander, and if nothing was particularly interesting nearby on Google Maps, I would still continue walking around, find something that at least somewhat piques my interest, and just go in for the experience. I found it best not to limit myself, but rather to just explore, be free, and enjoy being in a different country. This included unleashing my inner child at heart, even if I made many impulsive Kalev (Estonian chocolate) and Buldak (spicy Korean noodles) purchases (sorry dad for all of the credit card charges!). However, student discounts made this easier, as many places offer substantial deductions, specifically museums. There are many museums in the city center area, but also some in the outskirts. In and near Old Town, I discovered hidden gems such as the Banned Books Museum, Chocolate Museum, and Estonian Panga Museum (featuring a downstairs vault filled with money and coins), all of which are free! 

Old Town has a medieval charm while surrounded by a more modern city that is highly digital (e-Estonia!). For me, it was strange to see New York in souvenir stores, but the city life of Tallinn was familiar. However, Tallinn is safe, and certainly a good place to go for a first study abroad. There is a drinking culture, especially in Old Town, but Estonians keep to themselves and mind their own business. The transportation system is better in Tallinn than in New York, with buses being more reliable, easier to access, and cleaner. 

Estonia, specifically Tallinn, has a special place in my heart, where I have no regrets with studying abroad here (other than a little too many credit card charges). As cliche as it may be, studying abroad in Tallinn may be the best decision I’ve made, with the help of asking literally everyone I know for their input. In many capacities, I explored the world beyond my comfort zone while being guided in the right direction with the support system that I’ve built during my first time abroad. Back home in the U.S., I’m excited to share my stories and lessons, while slowly making plans to eventually revisit Estonia. 

If you’re interested in studying abroad with CIEE, feel free to use my referral code! Use it when you start a new application to get $200 off your program costs, and a $200 donation will be made to the Global Navigator Scholarship fund. A little can go a long way :) 

College Study Abroad: https://my.ciee.org/?rc=jacqueline

High School Summer Study Abroad: https://my.ciee.org/?rc=jacquelinehs