How to Make Friends Abroad: An Extrovert’s Tips (and Reflections)

Recently, I posted an honesty-hour-esque video on the CIEE Teach Abroad social media pages.

This video was a brief diversion from the usual videos in my Extrovert Abroad series, where I normally take viewers along on my journey to make friends and build community abroad. In those videos, I am usually full of spunky, bubbly energy and excited to meet new people here while living and teaching in Thailand.

However, the reality of expat life and finding community abroad isn’t always sunshine, rainbows, amusement parks, and yacht days (go check out the full Extrovert Abroad series to see those types of days, though!)

Realistically, teaching and living abroad have felt like jumping into a brand new life without the support network I had in NYC, and *shocker* even extroverts can get tired sometimes.

Nevertheless, with the wealth of experience I have in making a large quantity of quality friends, I’ve been able to battle loneliness while abroad, and I’m still hopeful for the future.

As such, I’ve compiled a list of tips (and reflections) on how to make friends and find community abroad. 

I hope you find it helpful!

1. Choose You, and Never Settle.

This is my number one piece of advice because moving abroad alone can be the perfect time to really tap into your intuition and *actually* listen to it! 

Personally, I’m super sensitive to vibes, energy, and dynamics, and can immediately feel when there is a misalignment, but it was harder for me to decipher what this feeling meant and to practice discernment when I was younger. 

This may as well be the case for you, and I believe that in your time abroad, away from the familiar comforts of home and old patterns, you’ll learn what kind of community you actually want.

Here’s what this looks like in practice:

1. Know in your heart that it is truly okay– and healthier– to walk away from groups or vibes with which you do not feel aligned.

    

2. Spend time with yourself reflecting on your interactions. 

   Notice which ones make you feel grounded, and which ones make your stomach or chest (or wherever you hold your knowingness) feel heavy. 

    

3. Ask yourself if these feelings come from something real like mismatched values or preconcieved biases 

   (because acting on bias is sooooo 1619 coded.) 

    

4. Once you’re honest with yourself, discern and move accordingly.

    

You got this! Everything you need is already within you.

2. Go to Events Alone!

The emotional challenges of moving abroad and not “clicking” immediately are REAL! Coming from someone who is quite selective–and proud to be– I have still felt/feel FOMO seeing others from my Teach in Thailand cohort posting group photos or linking up. 

It’s okay to feel sad, but never feel guilty for these emotions or feel pressured to join a clique if it doesn’t click! 

Instead, I recommend you to:

1. Use apps like Instagram, Facebook, and Meetups (super popular way to find expat events in Bangkok!) to find local events already perfectly curated and full of people with similar interests as you.

   On Instagram and Facebook, just search your town’s name plus the vibe you seek (ie. art, run club, writers, LGBTQ+), and I’m sure a few things will come up!

    

2. Prep a few questions to ask potential new friends!

   In the Bangkok expat community, every conversation I’ve had has typically started with the same three tried-and-true questions, so you can always keep these in your back pocket:

    

   1. What’s your name? (basic)

       

   2. Do you live here or are you traveling? (relevant!)

       

   3. How long have you lived here/how long are you visiting? (obvious follow-up)

       

   Be mindful of cultural differences, though! In NYC, it’s very normal to ask where people are from, as it is a city full of transplants, and the common follow-up is “What do you do [for work]?” 

   However, I asked someone that I met on a night out in Miami what they did for work and he looked so freaked out and refused to answer. Suddenly, I felt like one of those status-crazed New Yorkers that they probably warn these unsuspecting Floridians about! 

   I’ve minded my manners ever since.

    

3. Be at least 1% more brave than you are shy when meeting new people abroad! 

   Most people attending social events abroad are there for the same purpose as you are– to have fun and meet likeminded people! So don’t feel awkward to just spark up a conversation; you’ll be glad you did!

    

4. DO. NOT. LEAVE. A GREAT CONVERSATION WITHOUT EXCHANGING CONTACT INFORMATION. ROARRR!

   Ok, sorry to roar at you, but I feel like there’s an introvert reading this who needs the extra encouragement lol. 

    

   This one is pretty simple but we sometimes get too shy to ask, so here are my tips:

    

   1. A simple “Do you have Instagram?” at the end of a conversation is my personal go-to.

      This carries a lot less pressure to follow-up, in my opinion, and allows you to be a casual story watcher or post-liker for a while before formally reaching out and setting up plans.

      I also find that exchanging social media profiles gives you more to work with, as you can swipe up on a funny meme they post or compliment their outfit to spark up a convo.

       

   2. Messaging apps are also okay to exchange, but it’s my personal preference to not do so because I’m a horrible texter and this is basically asking for us to never talk again LOL.

       

It just takes more effort, in my opinion.

3. Beware the Transient Nature of Expat Communities

This point circles back to the content in my honesty hour video: I’ve attended open mics, networking brunches, and meditation classes and have left each of those events with huge smiles and at least two people’s contact information– only to literally never see them again, which is so disappointing.

Sometimes the people that we meet abroad move onward to another location, are extremely busy (we love city life!), or they’re so wrapped up in their eat-pray-love journey that they just don’t have the capacity to form intentional connections– it happens!

Though it’s a fact of life, this is the aspect that causes many people, like myself, to feel discouraged. 

Going from having a super-grounded social life at home to having your connections abroad seemingly snatched from you as soon as they start to feel comfortable sucks.

But it’s also taught me to really relish in the moment and savor every second I get to spend with such sweet souls (y’all know I love alliteration.)

The memories I’ve made in each episode of my Extrovert Abroad series aren’t any less special because of the temporary or transient nature of the connections that birthed those moments.

If I had to choose any of the biggest lessons I’ve learned while being abroad, I’d have to say that this is it.

4. Befriend the Locals!

As we know, hard times can’t keep a baddie down forever! After my third expat friend left the country, I decided that I was tired of the heartache and began intentionally befriending local Thais.

This hasn’t been the easiest feat, though, as most locals have established social circles and little time/energy to expand them, but 

using Bumble BFF, a friendship app, has been a gamechanger for me!

I am always extremely intentional about what I include in my profiles on these types of apps, so I’ll share my little formula here:

1. Include a range of photos that show who you ARE, not what you think you should be (goodbye, imposter syndrome!)

   I like to include glam photos because I truly am a glam girl, and I also include photos of my hobbies like running, eating, writing, and fitness classes.

    

2. I always include at least one meme in my photo set just so people know exactly what type of foolishness they’re walking into (I’m such a joker!)

    

3. I respond to a range of prompts with at least three words per answer.

   Usually there’s a silly one, a serious one, and a “what a perfect hangout looks like” one.

    

4. I fill out my interests/hobbies and habits.

    

5. I make it clear what I AM seeking, instead of focusing on what I DON’T want (important!)

I 10000%  believe that by using the provided space to showcase as much of my personality as possible, I’ve been able to attract the souls I’m seeking.

And don’t worry if you hate filling out these types of things, I’m sure there are others with the same sentiment that will love you just as you are <3

5. Getting Plans Out of the Group Chat

I’m actually the President General of Getting Plans Out of the Group Chat! (see proof here)

I’ve learned that friendships take just as much effort and intention as romantic relationships, and have developed a few mechanisms to ensure plans actually come to life:

1. Chat casually, learn about the other person’s interests and how they like to spend their time

    

2. Find an event, venue, or experience that you both would enjoy

    

3. Invite them to that event, venue, or experience!

    

4. If your plans are not official, make them official LOL. Here’s what I do:

    

   1. I sent a message to a large group chat asking if anyone wanted to go to an amusement park.
   2. I then set a deadline for folks to express interest in said group trip.
   3. Once the deadline arrived, I created a smaller chat for those who were interested.
   4. In the smaller chat, we created a poll with potential dates. Of course, there was also a deadline for people to cast their votes on this poll
   5. Once all votes were in, we got our tickets and had a blast! (see proof here)

    

If you’re not the planner type, at least be the responsive attendant type! It takes three seconds to comply with the planner’s requests, and results in memories for a lifetime!

6. Savor the Small Moments, too!

I’m speaking to myself first when I say this: small moments are just as much a part of your life as the big ones! 

I don’t know how many times I’ve whined about not having enough friends here in Thailand, only to die of laughter at lunch with my colleagues. Sometimes, these moments don’t always look like community in the way we imagine it, but they still matter!

Saying yes to attending the staff retreat, networking dinners with exchange teachers, and sparking up conversations with the Thai staff at school have been some of the best decisions I’ve made, and they’ve had the strongest impact on my daily life in Thailand,

So, let this be your reminder to notice what’s already nourishing you and to redefine what community looks like. Even when friendships and community are slow to form, these small moments are proof that you’re already building a little life abroad– one day at a time :)