Managing the Relationships I Left at Home

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

One of the hardest things about moving is saying goodbye to what you’re leaving behind. It feels like things will never be the same and you may begin questioning if the change is worth it.

I briefly mentioned in a previous blog “You're Never Too Old to Teach Abroad” that my family was a big factor in my hesitance to come to Madrid. I had also just started a new relationship that fast forward to today, I’m proud to say has flourished since being gone (keep reading, I’ll dig into this more 😊).

The difficult thing about moving is that we are leaving familiar faces that bring us comfort and security. But the bright side in moving is that we are challenged to begin new relationships – an opportunity to add new faces who can help us grow in ways we wouldn’t have otherwise. And just because we’re adding to our circle, doesn’t mean we have to get rid of the old.

I’ve learned a thing or two about managing relationships while living away from home and as hard as it’s been, I wouldn’t have had it any other way.

A Quick Look at My Circle

Here’s a glimpse at my people and what made it difficult to leave.

My family: I always thought growing up with 50 first cousins was normal… until I realized people’s reactions said otherwise. My family has been very present in my life since day 1. Literally. But if we scale it back, my immediate family consists of two parents, two sisters, my brother-in-law, and three nephews. I’m used to seeing them 2-3 times a week.

• My family continues to grow as kids are born, and it’s especially hard to think about not being nearby to see all the “firsts”. They continue to grow, and I know I’ll be coming home to some kids who are now taller than me!
• I’m fortunate that my family is generally healthy, but there have been moments where I worry about the worst-case scenario. It’s hard not to think about the what ifs. In particular, my uncle is aging and is dependent on my family as his primary caregivers. We never know when a health scare will arise.

My Friends: Making friends as an adult is hard! You’re no longer surrounded by the same friends you grew up with nor is it a given to meet people at school with new classmates every term. I had been seeking community before I left for Spain, and I was lucky enough to find that.

• These were new friends I met for the first time and instantly clicked with. We got along both on the surface and on a deeper level. We were in similar places in our lives and had the same interests. Just when I had gotten comfortable with these new connections, I was already saying goodbye. I had to put it on pause before it could even begin.

My partner: Through this new circle of friends, I was not expecting to meet my now-partner. While our friendship had already formed, our romantic relationship had kicked off and it had just started to deepen as I was preparing to leave in just a few months.

• My philosophy at this time in my life was to be open to all the opportunities that came my way. I wasn’t sure how simultaneously starting a new relationship and chapter of life abroad was going to work because of the adventure I was seeking with this move. I was worried I’d be limiting myself to experiences I would’ve wanted to have. This also meant I’d have to be more mindful of our time difference so we could line up our schedules to talk, and I’d be more tempted to stay in rather than venture out.

Feeling Out of Touch and Helpless from Afar

Inevitably, some unforeseen situations at home have happened while I’ve been away. Living away means I hear about things after the fact versus being a part of it in real time; it means knowing the situation is difficult, but I can’t be there to do something about it. These situations have manifested in ways like not being able to take care of my boyfriend when he’s sick, not being able to attend my nieces and nephews’ sports, or not being able to provide moral support in person when a friend is struggling with personal issues. It has been frustrating to feel like there isn’t anything I can do but wait and see how things pan out.

Fortunately, there have been some workarounds: I can have groceries and meals sent through delivery apps, I can stay up to date through phone calls and social media, and I can always lend a listening ear whenever it’s needed. This isn’t the typical way I’d go about things if we were together, but this is the best alternative available and I've learned that it can be effective in its own way.

It’s both a blessing and a curse that issues at home are almost out of sight, out of mind. On one hand, I feel like I want to do more by being physically together. On the other, distance allows me the space to process things on my own and continue with my day-to-day knowing I’m doing all I can.

The Optimism of Long-Distance Relationships

Remember in the height of the pandemic people were still connecting with their loved ones even from afar, perhaps even more often than they had prior to the lockdown? Managing my relationships with those at home has felt similar.

Because we are apart, we rely on staying connected through phone and video calls. Depending on what your time difference is, it could be challenging to line up schedules, but there could be pros as well. When you’re at home, it can be hard to reach someone if you’re on a similar schedule. Perhaps you’re both working so aren’t available to talk. In some cases, the benefit of having a time difference is that when one is at work, the other may already be settled at home. This could allow you more time to yourself that you may need and in turn, the times you do connect can be more meaningful.

One of my favorite things about living in Spain has been all the visitors I’ve had. I didn’t plan to come home at all during the school year so I could maximize my time here. Instead, I encouraged loved ones to visit me and we’ve been privileged to have brought the travel plans out of the group chat. I’ve had at least one visitor from home each month!

This has been something I’ve gotten to look forward to and get me through the times I’ve felt especially lonely here. We’ve gotten to create new memories in new places we wouldn’t have been as adamant about doing if I hadn’t left.

In terms of my relationship, I remembered to live by my philosophy of being open to all the possibilities that came my way. As much hesitance as there was to continue dating, there was even more certainty that this relationship was special. I knew if I was going to pursue a relationship with someone on another continent, it’d have to be someone I could trust and saw potential for long-term.

Long-distance relationships take extra work but I would’ve been missing out if we had not seen it through. It took time to adjust, but the situation deepened our connection because we’ve had to be even more intentional with our time together both virtually and especially when he came to visit. 

Different Does Not Equal Impossible

It was important I be prepared for the possibility that dynamics with others may change and it’s always possible the unexpected can happen. However, it’s just a new norm I’ve had to navigate and find balance with.

I’ve had to practice getting comfortable with life carrying on and controlling what I can. I trust everything will continue just as normal when I return home and if not, I will worry about it when it comes time.

It’s also crucial to remember our true friends and family want us to succeed. They shouldn’t stop us from doing something new and significantly different.

A move across the world doesn’t mean that relationships have to end. It just means we have to find ways to accept our interactions may be different. But in the end, it doesn’t change the fact we are still the same family, friends, and partners we were before.

If you're in a similar situation, have questions, or would like to connect, you can find me on Instagram @travelwithmiv.