A Year with Natascha

The Deffendall Famliy

How do I begin to describe the experience we have had over the past year? It has been amazing, frustrating, and enlightening!! We have been blessed to spend the past year with a young woman who so intimately meshed with our family that those who did not know our family before her arrival do not know that she is not ours. That said we missed the first sixteen years of this daughters development. Learning to understand what different reactions or emotions meant proved challenging. Finally, coming to understand the difference in how we treat her versus how we treat the daughter we have lived with for thirteen years has taught us that we take each other for granted and do not follow through on our communication.

Before we even met, we knew there were a great deal of similarities between this German family and our own. From emails exchanged, and gifts sent and received, it was clear that our values, beliefs, and practices were very much alike. Natascha fell into our life rhythm instantly. At first, outside of an illness that she couldn’t shake, life at our house was bliss. The girls got along beautifully. They would spend hours chatting, listening to music, painting nails, playing on YouTube, or any number of other activities. They were like life long friends from the beginning. As time went on, they became sisters. They would spend time together, or not. They would get along or they would argue. It has been a joy to watch my “only child” develop a sibling relationship! An exclamation point was put on this synergy between families when Natascha’s German family arrived for spring break. From the moment they walked in the door, we were best friends! Despite our rusty German and their broken English, we never had a communication problem. We understood one another to the core. The funniest illustrations would come from Natascha’s older brother, Niclas and our daughter, Kyrstin. They were cut from the same mold. They had identical likes and dislikes! So much so, that within two days, they were finishing each others sentences. It was amazing!! It is obvious to everyone that we have always been a family, separated by space, just waiting to meet!

Soon after Natascha’s arrival she developed an ear ache. Ear aches are uncommon in our house hold, so treatments were not familiar to us. Natascha began to withdraw and be moody. She participated with us, but wasn’t quite all there. She did not communicate her discomfort to us right away and we assumed that she was still getting used to being here, perhaps experiencing some homesickness. We tried to give her space, but continued to reach out and show support. After one week, she was in great pain, and I took her to a doctor. They prescribed medicine and we waited another week for it to work. By the end of the second week, the child was a wreck. We took her to two more doctors before we found out the extent of her illness and finally began taking the correct medication. This was the first time, but not the last, that we would begin to understand her lack of communication when she had difficulties. After eight months with this child, I have learned that when she becomes moody, reserved, even grumpy, I need to take time and “force” her to sit and tell me what is wrong. Kyrstin comes to me directly when she has an issue, or I can tell by her body language. So, learning how to “read” my new daughter took time and a great deal of effort! It was necessary to build our relationship, and quickly, in order to assist her in the best way I could. I know this was difficult for her, for me, and for the rest of our family. There were days that everyone was frustrated with each other, and as any normal family, there were fights and time spent alone in rooms.

All of this combined has allowed us to reflect a great deal. We have had our family dynamics put under a microscope. We have had to reflect on how we interact with one another and how we react as individuals to circumstances around us. We have learned that we tend to “react to” one another, rather than “communicate with” one another. I personally have learned through the time, energy and effort spent trying to get to know Natascha and learn how she thinks, that I take Kyrstin for granted. Kyrstin and I both learned that I do not spend that kind of quality time with her that I have spent with Natascha! I have learned, by learning how to get to know Natascha, how to get to know my teenage daughter better. I have yet to spend the quality time getting to know her again, BUT, I intend to spend the NEXT year getting to know her!!

We are exceedingly grateful for this experience!!! We have truly gained a daughter, and not only a daughter, but her entire family!! We have grown as a family and as individuals! I pray that the lessons we have learned about ourselves and each other will remain and deepen. That our communication skills will continue to develop and that our family (ies) will know a stronger and longer lasting bond than we could have ever known before. And to think, we always thought we were a strong and tightly knit family before. J Goes to show, God isn’t finished with us yet.

CIEE
Thank you for enabling such an experience as this! Thank you for your support, your flexibility, and your focus on providing the best experience possible for your students and their host families! We have been truly blessed by this experience!

Sincerely,

Greta Deffendall – host mom 2009/2010